


A road towards you

by himmelchow



Category: Wanna One (Band)
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-02-21
Updated: 2019-02-21
Packaged: 2019-11-01 17:43:49
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,336
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17871869
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/himmelchow/pseuds/himmelchow
Summary: I still think of you sometimes- Daniel's POV





	A road towards you

It was the start of the latest chapter in my life- my high school debut. I had just recently moved from Busan and I was a little bit anxious that people would find my accent unappealing. But I’ve practiced speaking without the accent so it’s all good. Besides, my excitement at the prospect of having new friends drowned out my unease.

I entered the classroom an hour early and was surprised to see that I wasn’t the only one in. There are already a few students up and about. Some are in groups of twos and threes, looking as if they have known each other for years. Later I would find out that they did know each other since preschool. I put my bag on an empty seat at the back row and decided to talk to the boy sitting alone at the front.

The boy was looking at his phone, scrolling mindlessly and tittering every now and then. When I reached him, I saw that he was watching a video of a cat, its back on the floor, purring some kind of a song. As a cat lover myself, I couldn’t help but exclaim ‘Cuuuuuuuuuuuuuute!’

The boy got a little bit startled seeing someone suddenly appear at his side.

‘Oh, I’m sorry,’ I said. ‘I came here to introduce myself but I got distracted by the video.’

‘No, it’s okay. I was just surprised. I didn’t realize someone’s beside me,’ the boy replied.

‘I’m Taehyung, by the way,’ he said as an afterthought.

‘Daniel.’ I replied.

‘I like cats too. Got two at home so I forgot that I wanted to introduce myself.’ I said giggling.

‘Don’t worry I’m usually like that too,’ he said. ‘We have a tabby at home who thinks she owns us.’

‘Hahaha. I know the feeling all too well. They really think they are the masters!’ I said launching on some story about Rooney and Peter. The two of us were laughing, happily exchanging stories about our cats and little by little, more people joined us.

I had just finished an exceptionally funny story of Rooney trying to trap Peter in a box when in the corner of my eye, I saw someone looking from the window. It’s a small boy and even from afar he’s shining. The only thing that made me realize he is a boy is the uniform he’s wearing. I smiled at him. He looked surprised at first but he smiled back before walking away. I nearly went out to greet him but I could just visit the other classes in my year later to make some new friends. _To make that one new friend._

\---

When I finished visiting every classroom in my year and didn’t catch a glimpse of him, I realized that he’s either a hallucination or that he’s older. The latter being the more probable choice. The boy turned out to be two years my senior. I came about that fact thanks to a liter of coke and a clogged bathroom.

\---

I don’t usually see him inside the buildings. Probably because our morning breaks don’t match but I sometimes see him sitting alone in the grandstand. One time, when Taehyung accidentally kicked the ball towards him, I was able to talk to him a little.

He usually sits there reading. He is alone every time and I don’t know why but it makes my heart ache a little. My mother always told me that I was too soft hearted so maybe my soft-heartedness is just acting up. There was an incident back in Busan, where I missed the last bus because I was helping an old lady move some heavy boxes. I had to stay with her family for the night. Luckily, I was able to call my mother and tell her about the incident. She only laughed and said ‘I knew it’ before telling me to come home early the next day.

\---

I mustered the courage to go up to the senior and talk to him one afternoon.

‘May I help you?’ the senior asked.

All the words I wanted to say, all the funny jokes I practiced evaporated when he looked at me and all I could utter was a small ‘Hi.’

He smiled back saying ‘Uhmm…why are you here again? Do you need something?’

At that, I remembered that I came here to offer my friendship. But I didn’t know how to start so I just said. ‘Not really. I’m just…curious. I see you here every day but you just sit down and read your book. Most of the people come here to sweat it out a little.’

‘I think I already sweat enough in PE,’ he said, his laughter ringing in my ear.

I laughed and replied. ‘I mean, we play around and you know...hang out with…friends.’

I realized my mistake when I heard his reply.

‘Oh my god! Do I look like I’m friendless?’ he exclaimed. ‘You could actually ask a few people around and they’d know me. I have more than enough friends. I just like to have a few hours by myself to read.’

I felt my body heating up, sure that I was blushing furiously, before I hear him continue.

‘Wait. Did you come here and talk to me because you think I needed a friend?’ the boy accused.

‘I-I-I’m so _so_ sorry! I just thought that...I don’t know,’ I couldn’t help but stutter. I very much wanted to be swallowed up by the ground. How could I ever think someone like him would be friendless? I could hear him laughing which calmed me a little since it probably meant that he is not angry with me right? Still, I felt absolutely embarrassed.

‘I’m really sorry.’ I timidly said.

‘No no no…I’m sorry for laughing so loud. It’s actually sweet for you to do that. I don’t think a lot of people would approach another person and offer to be their friend. You’re different. In a nice way’ he said.

‘I’m Sungwoon by the way.’ The boy continued.

‘Daniel. 1st year,’ I replied shyly.

‘Well Daniel, 1st year, does the offer still stand?’ He could see that Sungwoon was looking at him intently asking a very important question but all I could think of was how lovely his eyes are. ‘Do you still want to be my friend? Even though you won’t be my first or last friend in this school?’

‘I would love that.’ Thankfully I managed to reply.

\---

I realized that our personalities matched really well. In a very short time, we became so close, we even saw each other on the weekends. One day we found out that we both love to play video games and so I invited him to play some at home. Afterwards it became a constant- our weekend gaming spree.

When my mother met Sungwoon, she loved him right away. I could tell by the way she constantly offers him food. Maybe it’s because I’m an only child or maybe because Sungwoon just seems to click with every person he comes into contact with, but ever since my mother met Sungwoon, she couldn’t stop talking about him. I suddenly felt stupid for ever thinking that Sungwoon didn’t have friends.

One time, Sungwoon brought his younger brother, Jihoon, and his brother’s best friend, Woojin, to one of our gaming sessions. It’s actually weird that after months of hanging out almost every day, it was only the first time I’m meeting his brother especially since he (and Woojin) are absolutely killing this game. I asked Sungwoon exactly that and he just shrugged.

‘Jihoon lives with his father and stepmother in Seoul. He just comes and visit us from time to time,’ he said.

‘Sometimes _hyung_ visits us too.’ Jihoon added.

I was taken aback learning that the two are half-brothers. I was about to ask more when Woojin spoke up.

‘Their family’s story is very complicated it would make for a good drama.’ He said.

‘A very exciting drama.’ Jihoon said.

‘I would actually watch it if that happens.’ Sungwoon added while laughing. The other two joined Sungwoon, their laughter filling the room.

I got really flustered. I know that marriages sometimes end up in divorce- take my parents for example- but I didn’t really know a lot of kids who are so…open about it. So it’s no surprise that I wasn’t able to stop myself from saying ‘But you two are so close.’

Sungwoon laughed louder at that.

‘Of course we are close. Being half-brothers doesn’t necessarily mean that we’d hate each other.’ Sungwoon said. ‘Don’t believe everything you see on TV, Daniel.’

‘And just so you know, stepmothers aren’t always evil. Mine’s really great!’ Jihoon added.

I was starting to feel silly for having those kinds of thoughts when Woojin started ranting about how Jihoon and Sungwoon’s family are just not normal before steering the conversation to another topic. I sent a thankful smile to Woojin while Jihoon was busy rolling his eyes.

Because the two kept calling Sungwoon ‘ _hyung_ ’ the whole time, I started to do it unconsciously too. I was about to correct myself when Sungwoon, seemingly conscious of my inner turmoil, said ‘I prefer that you call me _hyung_ instead of _sunbaenim_ ’ while smiling.

\---

Lately I’ve been seeing a group of girls repeatedly pass by our classroom. I also see them hanging around the field every afternoon. They’re all popular girls from the 2nd year but one of them caught my attention the most. Her name is Seolhyun and she’s - for the lack of a better term- an angel. The guys always tease me whenever we see her and her friends passing by our class and after some time I started feeling my heart pounding whenever she’s around. I started looking forward to those times. 

\---

I saw Seolhyun standing by the school entrance a few weeks after I admitted my feelings for her to Sungwoon. Even with the obvious nervousness, she still managed to look gorgeous. She approached me and told me that she has something to say and if we could talk at a park nearby and I readily agreed.

We were sitting side by side on a bench, unable to look at each other in the eye, when Seolhyun started to talk.

‘I don’t think this would come as a surprise…I mean, everyone at school knows this by now…uhmmm…I really like you, Daniel,’ she said.

‘And if you like me too, do you want to date me?’ she continued after a beat.

I did hear people say that she likes me. Even Sungwoon said so. And knowing him (he hates it when people assume things), his observation is undoubtedly backed up by facts. But I wasn’t being coy when Sungwoon asked me about dating Seolhyun. I haven’t really thought of dating her. I was just enjoying the happy little butterflies in my stomach at the thought of her. Now that she asked me the question herself though, I couldn’t help but smile and say ‘I really like you too. I would like to date you.’

We sat there for a while, both happily smiling, both without any idea what to do next. It was getting darker so I asked her where she lived so I could walk her home. Luckily, she only lived a few blocks from school that I could quite literally walk her home.

\---

The two of us started dating in earnest, spending most of our free time together. I have been so busy delighting in my newfound role as a boyfriend that I rarely have time left hanging out with friends. I still talk to my friends (Taehyung and I always have a blast watching funny cat videos before the start of class) but I have less time for those that aren’t in my class.

I feel a little bit guilty every time Sungwoon and I see each other. Maybe it’s because we don’t hang out or talk as much as before but Sungwoon had told me (back when I first told him that Seolhyun and I are finally dating) that it’s okay and I should prioritize my girlfriend. Still, the guilt doesn’t go away. It is especially strong during the weekends when my mother asks me a barrage of _‘When is Sungwoon visiting again? Why isn’t he coming? Is he sick? Did you fight? I miss Sungwoon. Drag him here next week. Did you finish the game you’ve been playing?’_

All those feelings go out the window the moment Seolhyun intertwines our fingers. It’s the first time I’ve held someone else’s hand aside from my mother’s and the flutters in my stomach that accompanies it is lovely. It’s like sharing a sweet little secret.

\---

Seolhyun was waiting for me while I was buy tidying up the classroom alone. I once missed my cleaning duty because I went to watch a movie with her and Taehyung covered for me. Now it’s my turn to cover for him while he goes out with his cousin.

I just finished cleaning and started walking towards Seolhyun who’s sitting on my chair. We are getting ready to go when I feel a small tug on my shirt.

‘I want to kiss you,’ she suddenly blurted.

Surprised, I asked ‘Are you… are you sure?’ I won’t lie and say that I haven’t thought about kissing her whenever we are alone.

She nodded, cheeks turning crimson.

I closed the gap between our lips and kissed her. I was unsure of what to do at first but after a while instincts kicked in and I unhurriedly tasted her soft lips. It felt really good but there is this _something_ at the back of my mind and I’m not sure why but I suddenly thought of Sungwoon. It’s a bit disturbing to be bombarded with images of your friend while kissing your girlfriend so I did what any sane person would do- I tried to drown the unwelcome thoughts by pressing my lips onto Seolhyun’s harder, earning myself a little whine.

I stopped the kiss when at the corner of my eye, I caught a shadow. I went to the door and looked out but I didn’t see anyone there. I looked back at Seolhyun and suddenly felt shy at what we just did. I went back, hugged her and told her that we have to go because her parents would be waiting for her.

Back home, I was still thinking about the kiss when I remembered the talk Sungwoon and I had on the grandstand before I started dating Seolhyun. I remembered hearing Sungwoon say kiss and replying that I am not thinking of kissing Seolhyun. It wasn’t a lie back then but it is now and maybe it’s the reason why I thought about him earlier. So I decided to tell him about the kiss.

The next day, I went to Sungwoon’s classroom to talk but one of his classmates said that Sungwoon got a cold. My first instinct was to go find him right away but the sensible part of me reasoned that I should wait until the end of the day.

The plan of visiting Sungwoon went out the window when I saw Seolhyun waiting for me outside my classroom, crying.

Her parents got into a huge fight a few days before and that morning, her mother asked for divorce, packed her bags and went back to her grandparents’ house. Her father got so distressed he went and left Seolhyun with her breakfast still untouched.

\---

A few days after, Seolhyun’s parents got back together promising her that they’d talk to a professional about their problems. It was also the day that Sungwoon came back to school. I went to see Sungwoon to tell him about the kiss but the moment I saw his face I lost the nerve to say anything. I keep telling myself that I’m not saying anything because it would be unfair to Seolhyun and not because I felt guilty for kissing her. _Why would anyone ever feel guilty about kissing their girlfriend?_

_\---_

It’s the start of my sophomore year when Sungwoon introduced Wendy as his girlfriend. I felt slightly betrayed because he didn’t tell me anything about her before they started dating. It’s kind of unfair, right? I did tell him about liking Seolhyun before I started dating her.

The first time I saw them together, I felt a little ill but maybe it was because of something I had for breakfast. Sungwoon looks really happy so I felt relieved but I still need to make sure that this Wendy wouldn’t hurt him. If I want to do that then I should get to know her better.

I was walking quietly, still engrossed with thoughts of befriending my friend’s girlfriend when I passed by a little café. Large pictures of cute cats are posted at the front. It seems like a cat café had finally opened in our neighborhood and it made me feel giddy. I remembered how much Sungwoon adored my cats so the next day I made up an excuse to ask him out on a date- a double date with our girlfriends.

The cat café is one of the best places I’ve ever been to in my life and that says a lot because I’ve been to Disneyland. There are various cats lying down ready to be petted. We are talking about random things and Wendy seems to be a great girl. She’s lovely and likes singing just as much as Sungwoon. They even have the same taste in music.

At one point Seolhyun suddenly held my hand. I was busy linking my fingers with hers when I suddenly realized that Sungwoon was looking at our hands. He seemed off, lonely and I pushed the urge to hold his hands and ask him what’s wrong. I know I can’t hold his hands now because (1) I am currently holding my girlfriend’s hands and it might send a wrong message if I suddenly let go of them, (2) Wendy is also in front of us and it’d be weird if I hold his hands in front of his girlfriend and (3) Sungwoon will not like me assuming he is sad. And why would he be sad when he seemed happy a few minutes ago? The double date ended up in a good note but when I went home, I didn’t really feel happy.

\---

It was months before graduation when I heard the news of Sungwoon’s acceptance to the top university in Seoul. It’s also at this time that the news of Wendy and Sungwoon breaking up started circulating. The two didn’t say anything about their decision but everyone is speculating that it’s because they are going to different universities. There doesn’t seem to be bad blood between them, however, and they remained friends.

I feel bad that the first thing I thought after the two broke up is _‘What will happen to our friendship after graduation’_ and not _‘Is he sad about the breakup?’_. I wonder if we will stop being friends when we’re apart. I hope not. I sincerely hope not.

\---

The day of Sungwoon’s flight came fast. I tagged along and helped Sungwoon’s parents with his luggage. I hugged Sungwoon as tight as I could, feeling his small but strong frame. I closed my eyes and willed myself not to cry. I nearly cried while we were packing his things the night before but that shouldn’t happen again. We hugged until we hear hiss flight’s boarding announcement. I felt empty when he finally pulled away from my embrace.

I went home feeling miserable…as if nothing is right in the world. A few hours later, I read Sungwoon’s text—the last one I received for the whole year.

\---

I tried texting Sungwoon plenty of times but he didn’t reply. I tried calling but not a single one got through. I tried reaching out using SNS but his accounts have all been deactivated. It’s as if he was hiding from me and it honestly hurt. I got so worried that I called his house and asked his parents if everything is okay.

‘I’m sure he has talked about it with you but Sungwoon is coping well even if he is busy all the time.’ His mother said proudly.

_No he didn’t tell me. He hasn’t talked to me since he left!_ I wanted to shout but I am hurt enough, there’s no need to drag my pride down the mud as well.

I was angry that he didn’t bother to call me even if he clearly has the means to do so that the plan of getting his new contact info from his parents was forgotten.

\---

A few more months passed and the anger completely vanished. I just miss him so much. I decided that if he didn’t want to contact me, I have to do something on my end to reach him. I started working part time at a convenience store near our house because I didn’t want to ask money from my mother for the tickets to Seoul. I know she would readily give me the money, even drive me to Seoul, but I haven’t told her that Sungwoon and I haven’t been talking for months.

I got so busy after school that Seolhyun and I grew a little distant. She had accused me of not making our relationship a priority and we had a few fights but we were able to sort it out right away.

\---

The teachers had started asking us about our future plans since we need to improve our grades starting now to at least have a shot at entering good schools. It occurred to me that if I really want to see Sungwoon again, it isn’t enough to save money to visit him, because let’s face it, even if I work every day for months, I won’t afford going to Seoul every week (because I would like to see him that much). I decided that my energy would be better spent on trying to get into his school instead.

‘Sir, is it possible for me to go to S University?’ I asked

‘S university?’ His eyes bugged out.

‘Yes.’ I said quietly, taken aback by his initial reaction.

‘Oh it is not impossible…’he started after composing himself. ‘But I should be honest with you. S University is one of the best schools in the country…even the top students have a hard time getting in. With your grades right now, it will be very difficult. However, I have seen you in class and you easily grasp the concepts so I guess you could try and join a center first to help you catch up and then take some advanced electives. Let’s see how your grades change first before deciding which universities you would apply to.’

‘Thank you sir.’ I replied vowing to improve my grades right away.

I begged mom to enroll me to a good center that evening. She was a little bit surprised because I have never shown that much interest in studying but it was obvious that she was glad I decided to take my studies seriously. She easily agreed to spend a little fortune on it.

\---

‘What? You’ll be taking two different programs? That means you’ll be at the center every day, Daniel’ Seolhyun said.

She was obviously not receiving the news well. I know it’s my fault since I wasn’t able to spend a lot of time with her lately because of my part-time job. She’s also been busy because she’s graduating this year but she always found time for us to meet.

‘I was so happy when you said you quit your part-time job. But you decided to go to a center…Daniel, studying in a center takes up more time than your part-time job. At least before, we were able to see each other on some weekends.’ She sighed.

‘It’s okay, we’ll still see each other.’ I assured her.

A few months in and we continue to have the same argument so it didn’t come as a surprise nor did it break my heart when we broke up. If I was asked a year ago how I would feel if ever Seolhyun broke up with me, I would have readily said that I’d feel devastated, but when it happened, I even felt a little…relieved. Honestly, I have too much in my mind right now that I didn’t really have much time to dwell on that thought.

\---

My mom decided that we should go back to Busan for the summer to visit our family. I managed to convince her to enroll me to a two week review program. She didn’t really need that much convincing. It was cheaper than the one in Ilsan (because my grandmother was friends with the director of the institute).

Her eyes are twinkling whenever we talk about college and maybe it’s because she is excited with the prospect of her son entering a top-tier university. My grades have improved by a mile. I even finished 4th in the whole year.

Two weeks was gone in a flash and it’s time to go back home. I was busy on the phone with Taehyung when the topic came to which famous alumni came home for the summer. When he mentioned Sungwoon’s name, I hurriedly said goodbye to him and rushed to Sungwoon’s house, forgetting that we haven’t talked in a year.

When I reached his house, I was suddenly unable to ring the bell. All the insecurities are rushing in…I remembered that he never once contacted me after telling me that he safely arrived in the dorm. The excitement turned into anxiousness.

I heard footsteps behind me and when I turned around I was face to face with Sungwoon. And wow. He’s even more beautiful than I remembered. There’s a layer of sweat around his temple and it makes his fair skin glisten under the sunlight. His plump lips (I don’t remember ever looking at them but why do I remember exactly how they look like?) are still on the bread he is eating when he saw me. His eyes grew round in surprise.

My heart is threatening to explode from my chest as I memorize how he looked. And in that instant, I realize why my mind, my body is reacting this way.  

Our eyes met and I couldn’t help but feel weak, reminiscing the year full of pain. I walked towards him. And after a few beats I hear him say a little ‘Hi’.

‘You forgot me.’ I said. It’s taking all my willpower to stop the tears from falling.

‘I didn’t.’ he replied.

‘You didn’t answer my calls, didn’t reply to my texts. _Hyung_ , it was a whole year.’ I couldn’t help but accuse him.

Sungwoon looked down, unable to meet my eyes.

‘Why?’ _Please don’t tell me that you hate me. Don’t tell me you have forgotten me. Not now when I finally know that I love you._

‘I’m sorry. I got caught up in college stuff that I forgot to reach out. I mean, I barely contacted my parents even.’ He lied.

He looked up and I can see it in his eyes. He knows that I know he’s lying to me. But a year is long enough, I don’t want a single moment more of us being aloof with each other that I am willing to pretend I believe his lies.

‘ _Hyung_ …don’t you want to be friends anymore?’ _I want to be more but please let’s be friends again first._

Waiting for his answer felt like an eternity.

‘We never stopped being friends.’ Sungwoon said and I can’t suppress a small breath of relief. ‘We’ll always be friends.’

_We’ll always be together._

‘Promise me you’ll text me.’

‘I promise.’

‘Look me in the eye and promise me. The last time you said that, you didn’t talk to me for a whole year.’

Sungwoon looked at me and said ‘I promise’ and this time, I believed him.

\---

It wasn’t that easy to get back to how we once were. Not talking for a long time made it a little awkward at first but then I was able to steer out conversation to happy memories. With every story I reminisce, I became aware that I have felt this way for him all along, I was just too stupid, too ignorant to see it. How could I not know it when every moment I spent with him- from the first time we met to the last time we hugged- is engraved in my head.

Little by little I can feel Sungwoon opening up to me once again. His stories became more animated. I didn’t have to prod him to talk more- he did it readily. We started calling each other daily until finally, I feel that we are as close as we were before.

\---

On the week of the entrance exam, I was so tense. Sungwoon kept calling and giving me pointers.

‘Skip the difficult problems, just go back later after answering the easier ones.’

‘Don’t forget to bring an extra pencil and another extra just in case.’

‘Eat well before taking the exam.’

His texts full of ‘I’m sure you can do well’ and ‘Good luck’ helped with my anxiety.

When I passed the entrance exam, the first person I called was Sungwoon. I told him that I can’t wait to start school and see him again.

\---

I went to Seoul before the official start of classes partly because I needed to be comfortable in the dormitory but mostly because I can’t wait for another week to see him in person. He was meeting some friends so he couldn’t help me bring my stuff to the dorm but he said that we should meet for lunch.

I was so excited to go for lunch that I went to the cafeteria early. I could finally see him coming in but the six-foot figure looming behind him dampened my mood. I felt absurdly jealous. _I can’t possibly lose him without even trying right_ was the first thing that came to my mind. Followed by _‘Did he start dating someone without telling me again?’_ I mean it would be nice to know that he is attracted to guys too but not in this way.

‘You’re here! I’m sorry I wasn’t able to accompany you to the dorm.’ Sungwoon approached me with a big smile on his face.

‘It’s okay _hyung_. I didn’t bring a lot of things anyway.’ I replied but my eyes are trained on his handsome companion.

‘The plan was to eat with our friends a few days before but we were so busy setting up our room that it got rescheduled.’ He replied.

_This is his new roommate? Should I surrender now?_

‘Whose fault is that?’ the tall guy said.

‘Yours.’ Sungwoon replied matter-of-factly.

‘Why? You were the one throwing garbage around’

‘But you are the one who’s so uptight. We were moving in…of course it would be messy at first.’

I can feel my jealousy boiling over with every word in their friendly banter.

‘Maybe…maybe you should introduce us hyung.’ My brand new mortal enemy said.

‘Oh I forgot…you should’ve reminded me.’

‘I thought you already told him about me.’ The guy quipped.

_Does he need to talk about you? Are you really his boyfriend?!_

‘Daniel, this is Hwang Minhyun. Minhyunie, this is my high school friend, Kang Daniel.’

‘Nice to meet you Daniel. I’m Sungwoon’s friend and roommate.’

_Friend. Just friends._ A small smile started forming on my lips.

‘Nice to meet you too.’

Hwang Minhyun’s phone suddenly started ringing.

‘It’s Gaeun.’ he said.

‘You probably shouldn’t keep your girlfriend waiting.’ Sungwoon replied.

‘Right. I’ll be right back.’ Minhyun said before going out and answering the call.

_Thank god he has a girlfriend!_

‘I’ll buy some food first, okay?’ Sungwoon said.

I just nodded still excited by the fact that Sungwoon is only friends with Minhyun.

\---

The day for the orientation of new computer science majors came. I chose this course because I was so into computer games that I started to be interested in game development.

It was so exciting to be in the same place with people who have the same passion as me. Everyone looked the way I have pictured them in my mind- large hoodies and high-performance computers- but this one guy stood out because he looks a little bit out of place with his large guitar case beside him.

He caught me looking at him and grinned. He reached out his hand and introduced himself as Kim Jaehwan. We started talking while the speaker droned on about the department being one of the best in the country. In the course of our conversation, I learned that he chose the course himself because he likes programming. When I pointed to his guitar he replied with:

‘Liking computers doesn’t mean I have to be a shut in. I can like other things like music and sports!’

\---

In enrolled in a Photography class with Jaehwan’s urging. He had talked me into adding an elective because he says, and I quote, ‘You’re too bland, you should get a new hobby.’

It’s only the first day of class when I started questioning my decision. Everyone- and I mean everyone- in class brought big-ass cameras with them. Why did I let Jaehwan talk me into this again?! Oh right, I wanted some hobby I can talk to Sungwoon about.

He’s been spending a lot more time with Minhyun than with me. I still feel jealous of Minhyun even if he has a girlfriend because god knows Sungwoon could easily turn a straight man gay. I am not alone with that thought. When I first introduced Jaehwan to Sungwoon, he had told Sungwoon exactly that- to his face.

My seatmate, upon seeing how worried I was, told me kindly: ‘A smartphone is good enough for this class’

‘Really?’ I asked still unsure.

‘Yep! I know someone who took this class last year and only used his phone.’

‘I’m glad. Thank you.’

‘You’re welcome.’

‘I’m Kang Daniel, by the way.’

‘Nice to meet you, Daniel, I’m Ong Seongwoo.’

‘Ong?’ I asked making sure I heard it right. I haven’t met anyone named Ong before.

‘Yes, Ong,’ he said carefully pronouncing his name. ‘Not Gong, Not Hong…Ong!’

‘Oh. Nice to meet you _Ong_ Seongwoo.’

\---

Seongwoo and I quickly became friends. I learned that he is taking up Geology and that he is in his 3rd year.

We had just finished a class assignment and were walking to the printing center when I notice he had stopped walking.

‘The angel is with his knight again,’ He said while looking across the street.

I looked to where he was staring at and was surprised to see that he was looking directly at Sungwoon and Minhyun walking side by side.

‘You know Sungwoon hyung?’ I quickly asked, not even bothering to ask him if by angel he means Sungwoon or Minhyun.

‘You know the angel personally?’ _There’s the answer._

‘He’s my friend since high school.’ I said. ‘How do you know him?’

‘I don’t. Not personally. I just see him walking around and I think he’s so beautiful.’ He replied.

That wasn’t the only time he expressed interest in Sungwoon. One night, while we were all out drinking, Seongwoo kept on flirting with Sungwoon. Seriously, he even said something like ‘Who is this flower?’ or something as cheesy as that. I had to literally drag him away from a mildly drunk and giggling Sungwoon.

From then on, I have always been conscious (and nervous) of their interactions. I know I’m just being paranoid because the two of them just seem to genuinely like their flirtatious banters without having deeper feelings (or so I hope) but I can’t help but feel threatened because everyone Sungwoon meets seems to become enamored with him. I even sometimes see Jaehwan smiling tenderly at him whenever he does something cute.

\--

Sungwoon was so engrossed with whatever he’s doing that he didn’t realize I was already beside him. He looked so surprised when he closed his notes and started stuffing his things in his bag so I decided to throw a little joke.

‘What are you writing? A love letter, perhaps? You’re acting like someone who was caught cheating on an exam.’

He looked a little bit flustered but as usual, he had a good comeback.

When he started walking towards our classroom, I put my arm around him as _casually_ as I could. I’ve been trying to up my game skinship-wise because aside from the fact that it feels so good to hold Sungwoon, it may help me get into his radar—as a boyfriend, that is. I’m thankful that he lets me put my arms around him anytime I want.

The walk towards class was uneventful since Sungwoon chose to stay quiet. He still seems to be thinking about the story or essay or whatever he’s been writing. Maybe it is an important requirement in his class.

‘What’s wrong with him?’ Minhyun mouthed, looking at a dazed Sungwoon.

I replied by shrugging my shoulders.

‘Hmmm…maybe he’s thinking of ways to beat me in our game later,’ Minhyun said before sitting down.

‘What are you saying _hyung_? You never win.’ I snickered.

It’s true. I’ve seen them play plenty of times before. I don’t really like the football game the two of them enjoy so much but I just feel so uneasy leaving the two of them alone. I know it doesn’t make sense since I can’t stop _the roommates_ from spending time alone together, but as much as I can, I intrude on them.

Tonight, I guess, will be one of those times.

‘Can I copy your notes later, _hyung_?’ I asked Sungwoon who, from the looks of it, had just come back down from his reverie.

‘What do you need them for? You have your own notes?’ He replied, looking at my notes. _Oh shit._

‘I missed a few parts. Just come hang around in my room later. I’ll copy them quickly.’ I said. _Nice follow up, Daniel._

‘Why would I?’ Sungwoon still insisted on asking.

‘Come on, I have those canned Mangosteens you like so much. My mom went on a trip and bought a ton when I told her you love those so… later?’ I give him my winning smile. I have long ago learned that luring Sungwoon hyung with food is the fastest way to get him to help me out. I can see that my plan is working when I see his eyes shift. 2 pts for Kang Daniel.

 ‘Fine, fine. Just shut up. Class is about to start.’

The happy dance I was doing in my mind got interrupted when I saw Minhyun scoot close to Sungwoon. _Why, why does he have to move closer to him? They’re already sitting beside each other._ I imagine Minhyun’s lips almost touching Sungwoon’s ears and I hate it. I know how alluring Sungwoon can be at it may just increase Minhyun’s affection by a couple of notches.

They were whispering for a while now and I couldn’t stand it anymore.

‘You told me to shut up but you two are there whispering. Don’t exclude me.’ I said unable to stop the frown creeping up my face.

‘I just told him that if he’s unwilling to let you borrow his notes then you can have mine.’ Minhyun said.

‘But Sungwoon _hyung_ ’s notes are better.’ I replied. I don’t really need his notes. I just want him to spend more time with me.  We do spend time together but it’s usually either playing games with Minhyun, watching movies with Seongwoo or playing actual football with Jaehwan. And in all of those things, I feel like I’m the outsider. I just wanted it to be just the two of us so I don’t have to tune out my jealous thoughts. I feel doubly jealous since Minhyun is (unknowingly?) cock-blocking me and I can’t help but feel a wee bit suspicious.   

‘That’s what I told him. Now shut up both of you and let’s listen.’

\---

I can see Sungwoon’s shoulders shaking and so I chanced a look and he is indeed laughing. I didn’t know what was so amusing but seeing him happy automatically puts a smile on my face.

‘So Daniel, how fast did your ex-girlfriend drive the car?’ He suddenly said. I looked at the board and there it was, Seolhyun’s name.

‘Haha. So funny _hyung_.’ It’s not really funny. The memory of Seolhyun brings mixed emotions. I have thought long and hard about it- my feelings. When I realized that I was in love with Sungwoon, I also realized that I wasn’t in love with her. Sure, I like her but it’s mostly because I was flattered that someone so beautiful would choose me. That and my raging hormones.

\---

We met Gaeun at the cafeteria. I like seeing Gaeun because she is a reminder that Sungwoon and Minhyun are _definitely_ not together. After leaving our things with Gaeun, we went to counter to buy some food. The line wasn’t that long so we were able to carefully choose what we want.

The pudding caught my eye. It is Sungwoon’s favorite so I have to get it for dessert. I chose the peach flavored one because one time, Sungwoon said that peaches remind him of me and I want him to think of me more because maybe then he would start seeing me as more than a friend.

I was feeding Sungwoon some pudding and I can’t help but dwell on how his lips fit around the spoon. It looked so erotic that I uncomfortably shift on my seat.

Gaeun suddenly teased us saying that our lunch seems like a double date. That comment actually made me quite happy. I like it when people assume that we’re together even if it isn’t true- yet.

I don’t believe Sungwoon when said that the double date we had way back in high school was the reason he and Wendy broke up. Why would it?

When the topic of breaking up came up, I wasn’t able to stop myself from saying what I really felt back then.

‘You only broke up with her but it felt as if you broke up with me too.’

I’m still miffed about the whole incident. We are very close now but so were we in high school and I’m afraid that next time, when Sungwoon graduates, I will be left behind again. That fear increased tenfold when Seongwoo mentioned that he has heard from a common friend that several companies has offered Sungwoon a job after graduation after he presented his paper in one conference.

At Gaeun’s questioning look, I added ‘He went to college and stopped talking to me. For a whole year.’

‘A whole year? Wow. So what did you do?’ she asked

‘I studied hard and vowed to follow him here and force him to be my friend again.’

‘And did it work?’

‘Well, I’m here aren’t I?’ I said proudly.

‘But a year before coming here, we started talking to each other again and we slowly got back to being friends. It still wasn’t the same. I just thought he got new friends here and that’s why he forgot about the one he left back home.’ I narrowed my eyes at Minhyun who shook his head wildly. We all laughed at how funny he looked.

\---

We parted ways with Minhyun and Gaeun after the meal. We started walking towards the dormitory with Sungwoon absentmindedly walking beside me. He’s been in a daze the whole day, I wonder what’s wrong.

The guys are busy watching that drama they were all so crazy about. I watched a few episodes before its likeness to my situation made it too much to bear.

I watched as the man started to confess to his best friend. I wish that I could do just that- tell Sungwoon that I am in love with him. But I couldn’t. Not when there is a possibility that it will lead to losing him in my life. I can’t go through that again.

Waiting for the girl to reply made me so anxious I decided to lead Sungwoon to my room. At least there, I wouldn’t be swayed into confessing.

\---

‘Hey, I’ll just clean up a little before I start copying your notes.’ I said while unpacking my bag. 

‘Wait,’ I hear Sungwoon say. ‘I need to tell you something that might make you hate me.’

_What?_

_Did he realize how I feel? Is he going to reject me?_

_Am I going to be left alone again?_

‘What is it? Did you eat my ramen? Break my headset? Did you tell my mother that I had to go to the hospital because I was so stupid and I forgot I am allergic to seafood?’ I said as a joke to drown out the unpleasant thoughts. ‘Because you know, none of that would make me hate you.’

‘No. Not that.’ He said, chuckling tensely.

I can see him wringing his hands- one of his nervous tics. If he is this anxious, then maybe it really is something serious. I sat down next to him and held his hand, silently telling him _‘I’m here, you can depend on me.’_

‘I love you.’

It feels like my heart stopped beating. It was so sudden that I feel like I’m just hearing things. Maybe Sungwoon said something else and my crazy-ass brain just interpreted it the wrong way. 

‘You what?’ I asked, wanting to be sure that I heard him right.

He suddenly stood up and threw his bag at me. ‘I’m so sorry. Here’s my notes. Just leave it with Minhyun after you’re done.’

I quickly caught his arm to stop him from running away. ‘Wait, wait! Why are you sorry? What do you mean you love me?’ I rattled on.

_Please let this all be true._

‘I love you…not just as a friend. And I’m sorry that I feel this way.’ He said.

I let out the breath I didn’t notice I’ve been holding. Sungwoon loves me! He loves me! I couldn’t say anything because my brain is too busy celebrating when I hear him continue on.

 ‘I…I know that you don’t love me like that…and it’s unfair of me to ask you to stay as my friend…and I’m sorry, but I…’

I don’t know what else to do. I don’t want him to misconstrue my surprise for rejection plus I just really want to kiss him. I’ve been wanting too for such a long time and it seems that this is the right moment to do it.

So I pulled him in. I have always wondered how it would feel to have my lips on him. Now that I’m finally doing it, it feels surreal. I didn’t even think that a kiss could be this…perfect.

I was busy mapping every corner of his mouth when I feel him push me.

‘Why did you do that?’ he sounds angry.

I willed myself not to panic. This is the moment I’ve been waiting for, I wouldn’t mess it up. I was thinking of the best way to explain things to him but all I could come up with was a simple ‘Because I love you too.’

‘Don’t lie to me Daniel. You don’t need to pity me.’ He replied but instead of anger, I hear a hint of hopefulness in his voice and that urged me on.

‘It’s true! I love you. I tried to play it off as a joke earlier but when you stopped talking to me, it felt as if my whole world stopped. Seriously! I’m not even exaggerating.’

I lifted his head up so we could see each other eye to eye- so he could see how serious I am.

‘Do you need proof _hyung_? Isn’t me being here proof enough for you?’ I asked.

‘Do you think it was easy for me to go to this school? You know that I didn’t really try that hard at school but when you left, I did try. I tried so hard. I started studying harder than ever. I begged mom to enroll me to two different afterschool program. I studied during summer vacation because the afterschool program was not enough. And I knew then just how much I love you. I willingly gave up hours for everything else, for anyone else, just so I can remember how to factor out equations and what not.’

He started crying. Even with tears dripping down his cheeks, he still looked as beautiful as ever.

‘I love you so much, _hyung_.’ I said while wiping his tears.

‘I didn’t want to be just your friend but if it was all I can be, I was willing to be just your friend. That is how much I love you. I think I loved you since the first time I saw you. I think I loved you even before I realized it.’

I’ve been a fool for so long, I wouldn’t waste this chance. I stepped closer to him.

‘I love you.’ _With all my heart, my soul, I love you._

‘So say it again, _hyung_. Tell me how you feel.’

‘I love you too. I have loved you for a long time. I have only ever loved you.’

When he said he loved me, I had the urge to drown him in my kisses. So I did. We kissed to make up for the lost time. We kissed to make a promise of a future together. We kissed until there is no other thought left in my mind but this: _I love you._


End file.
